More Afraid To Lose
By Saudibound@aol.com

I'm so afraid to love you,
But more afraid to lose,
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose
~Sarah McLauchlan

The man now known as Citan Uzuki sat up in bed. There was something on the verge of happening, and he knew it. The feeling was not unfamiliar to this man - a sort of static clinging to the very air he breathed. It was very close now, and he would have to be ready for it when it came. He turned his head to look at his wife, sound asleep, and then slid out of his separate bed. He peered out the window for a little bit, the moon was nowhere in sight, and the land below was dark. Lahan Village was dark and peaceful -only a small village such as itself could attain such complete stillness in the night.

The calm before a storm, Citan thought. It was almost enough for him to taste. He shrugged on his robe, and headed outside. Once he got out into the air, he realized there -was- a storm coming, the electricity hummed through the air, just above the frequency he felt the other urgency on. It would be a bad storm, from the clouds.

It brought to mind another such night, right before he'd left the Solaris Elements where he'd believed he had finally found a place. The tension in the air that night wasn't accompanied by a storm, but by the unknown between him and another Element, Sigurd. He remembered the night well, he had sat up while Sigurd had slept unawares. He stood at the window much as he did now, sensing the change that was about to come as surely as he could taste it.

That evening had been tense, and he and Sigurd had finally sorted their feelings out, mostly because Citan felt his time there running out, and to leave such a thing unresolved could tear a man apart. They had decided that there was love there - mutual - and that a relationship should evolve from that.

Citan had realized what he was getting into - his life span had encompassed many hundreds of years as if it were perfectly natural not to age after one turned 27 - and he had seen more than a few friends and loved ones die. That didn't make it any easier, knowing that he would watch as Sigurd grew old, would see the confusion in the man's eyes every morning. He knew it would hurt, and he was afraid of the day that he would wake up alone again.

It seemed that day would be much too soon for Citan's taste, he had to leave tomorrow, because -he- had left. Whatever else, Citan had to keep track of -him-. So he sat up, listening to the hushed noises of Sigurd's breath behind him. And now, here he was again. It wasn't the same with Yui - the marriage was more of a cover story, and she understood that too. But he was about to walk out on his old life once more, because -he- was about to move. -He- had been quiet for a blessedly long time, longer than Citan could ever remember before. Maybe he had fooled himself into thinking that he was quiet for good this time.

A foolish hope, considering that Citan's purpose was to watch and guard him. He had done so through the man's many lifetimes - his many reincarnations. He had learned the pain of losing everything - many times, but that didn't make it any easier when it happened. Sooner or later, it always happened again. Citan's eyes watched the small town, searching it for any premonition of the events about to take place, for with every second, the static increased. There was none there, but a loud thunder crack split the air deafeningly.

And it opened up and poured, tearing Citan from his thoughts and memories. He should get inside and try to sleep - tomorrow was certain to be a big day, for -him- as well. Soaked, he headed back inside, finding his thoughts turning once again to Sigurd. The pain was fresh there, like poking into a wound, and his breath caught. No, he wouldn't do this now. Wherever Sigurd was, he knew the man had gotten on with his life, as Citan must do now. Years can change a man, and he was sure the both of them were affected. He was content to remember, pushing the choked feeling down.

He returned to his bed, forcing a careful blank onto his mind before he finally fell asleep again, despite the tense air around him. After all - he'd done it many times before.