Second Chances
By Chad Harger
The first thing I am aware of is darkness. Next is the tingling sensation of my body as feeling comes to it. Finally I have movement in my body. I open my eyes and realize I cannot breath!
I am trapped in a tube filled with a strange liquid. I start to panic and thrust my fists against the tube. Harder and harder I strike, but to no avail! I feel my lungs starting to burn for sweet oxygen!
In the moment of panic I summon all of my strength. Strange energy starts to course through my body. By instinct I channel the energy through my body and into my hands as I focus it on the tube. I can see the energy build around me. I concentrate with all my willpower. Something has to give, and fortunately for me it is the tube.
I fall out of the tube weak as a newborn. I try carefully to avoid the glass around me as I stand to my feet. I stumble as my legs falter.
The others...they did not make it. There was not enough genetic material to make the clones. The damage was too great. I am sorry.
I blink in surprise at memory. Then it fades into nothingness. What did it mean? I try to recall anything else, but I cannot. Who am I? Why am I here? What is this place?
Strength returns to my legs and I stand up and look around the room. It is filled with strange machines and equipment. Things that are beyond my comprehension. As I examine the room I see another person. I step back in surprise.
I laugh at my own surprise. It is only a mirror. I walk up to it and look at myself. I appear to be in good health. My body very lean and muscular. My hair is sort of blond and my eyes are crystal blue. I am pleased with the way my body is shaped. The only thing that is missing are clothes. For some reason I feel as if I was always modest.
You represent human perfection.
I blink at the memory. Yet like the previous memory it flits away into the empty part of my mind.
I walk over to one of the machines. It appears to be a computer of some type. I turn it on and the message, OS MISSING appears on the screen.
"Just great!" I mutter to myself.
I recall a little bit of computer knowledge. The message basically means everything on the computer had been wiped. In others words the computer has been killed.
A chill goes up my spine at the thought. I realize that I was not supposed to survive. An urgency comes over that I have to get out of this place and fast.
I start to explore the other rooms. I walk into a locker area and find some discarded clothes. I put the clothes on although they are tight. Oh well, better than walking around in the buff.
I am also hungry. I do some more exploring in the hopes of finding some food. Finally I come upon a cafeteria. I search and find some food still frozen. For some reason the frozen meat makes me nauseous just looking at it. Maybe I am a vegetarian.
I do find some frozen fruits and vegetables. A hour later I sit down to eat. I take a bite of what I made and wish I hadn't.
I swear if you weren't my friend I would think you were trying to assassinate me. And I always thought my cooking was bad!
This memory is of me talking. Although I cannot recall who I am talking to, I know the person is someone I can trust with my life. I try to hold on the face, to recognize the person. I shake my head. I know what he looks like but I can not recall his name.
I quickly finish my meal for two reasons. The first is that I have to get out of here. The second is I want to eat before I have second thoughts.
I make way deeper into the installation. I find myself what appears to be a hanger. Instead of planes I find giant robots.
These are called Gears. You can pilot any of them.
Another memory, another lost clue to my identity. Am I pilot then? If so, then why am I here? Could I have been a prisoner? If so then were are my captors? And who are these people I cannot remember?
I push the thoughts into the back of my mind. More questions for later.
There a variety of Gears here. I see one to my liking and walk to it. It appears to be a military model. It has a light beige color and it is holding a giant gun.
I get in the Gear and examine it. The outlay of it seems familiar. I activate it and experiment by walking around.
I then do something stupid by pressing the fire button. The gun sprays giant bullets across the hanger. The bullets slam into a few other Gears disabling them. The sound is almost deafening.
I am facing what appears to be the hanger doors. I get out of the Gear and search for the controls. I find them, luckily the controls are simple. I watch as the doors part and glorious freedom is finally revealed to me just beyond the doors.
*****
Things are quiet until I reach some plains. I am suddenly surrounded by angelic crystal Gears. The site them make me want to turn and fly away as fast as I can.
It is to late as they surround me. Or at least they try to.
The same power that allowed me to escape the tube flows through me once again. It is channeled through the Gear's gun. A devastating beam is released through the gigantic gun. The blast blows the head off of one of the Gears. To my horror it starts to repair itself.
My teeth are rocked together as I am slammed from behind. They start to pound on me. I in turn pound back.
Unfortunately for me I am losing. With these Gears ability to heal themselves the fight will not be over soon. I may lose.
Then something distracts these monsters. I watch in fascination as they pull away and head of in another direction with extreme urgency.
My Gear is barely able to fly. The scanners indicate a village nearby. Hopefully I can get to it before my Gear dies on me.
I am a mile away when the Gear suddenly dies on me! Then the power that I used to break out the tube and against those Gears also vanishes!
I try to eject, but the ejection system was damaged in the fight. I then try to ease the Gear so the landing will not be so bad. Yeah right! This thing is falling like a rock and I am trying to fight tons of dead-weight and gravity!
As grounds grows larger I to think to myself, If I survive, maybe the shock will return my memory, or I could end up dying and never know the truth.
The last thing I remember saying is, "Oh shi-"
*****
The first thing I am aware of is an annoying buzzing sound. I slowly open my eyes and I discover I am trapped in another tube!
Before I can panic again the glass tube slowly rises and comforting hands help me out. At least this time I am not alone.
"Are you all right?" asks a strange man who hands me some clothes.
I put the clothes with great effort. My whole body aches from the crash. At least my body is still in one piece. "I'm fine," I reply. "Except my body hurts."
"That's good" replies the strange man. "That means there is no permanent nerve damage. You were lucky someone spotted your Gear crashing into the ground."
As I put the clothes on I ask, "Where am I?"
"You are in Nisan. My name is Taura and I am a healer of sorts," he replies.
We have a proposition for you. We can kill two birds with one stone. We both have someone we want to get rid of. We can make a trade and end the war.
War? I was in a war? I realize that I know this man. "Do I know you?" I ask.
"I do not think we ever met," replied Taura.
There was something in his voice. A hesitation that he hid. I let it pass. I'll get to the truth later.
"How long has it been?" I asked.
"You have been in the nano-reactor for three months," answered Taura.
I slowly say, "Three...months!?"
"As I said you were most fortunate. The damage to your body was quite extensive," he replied.
I look Taura straight in the eyes and say, "I need to ask you something Taura. You said we never met but I think we have. Who am I?"
I see the surprised look in Taura's eyes. "You don't remember do you?"
I just shake my head no and answer, "No I don't, but I think you know who I am."
Taura turns away from me. "Yes," he said, "I know who you are, and that is why I cannot tell you what you want to know. If people found out your identity they would not be...happy. I cannot help turn you over to the people for they would kill you, nor will I tell you who you are because you might become the monster you once were. Please listen when I say move on with your life and start anew. You will be much happier not knowing."
Taura then leaves me to my own thoughts.
I feel numb. I sit in a chair before my legs give out. Was I a prisoner in that place where I awoke? What kind of horrors did I commit? Would it have been better to have died in the crash or to have never woken up at all?
As I sit and think of what to do, a young girl comes up to me. "I see you're awake," she says with a smile. "I hope you are feeling well."
"Thank you," I reply.
"I am the Great Mother of Nisan," she says. "You can call me Margie."
They are envious of her. We can use that to our advantage.
Damn it all! Another memory that comes and goes as quick as lightning! Of course what Taura told me that might just be a good thing.
I realize Margie is looking at me with concern. "Are all right?" she asks.
"In body yes in mind no," I reply. "I have no memory of my past."
"I'm sorry," she says.
"The only thing that I can recall is a face," I reply.
"Perhaps I can help. Over the past few months people have been coming and going through Nisan. I do have a good memory when it comes to faces and names," says Margie.
Not a bad idea. Maybe then I will a lead to my past. I describe the person from my memory.
Margie smiles as she says to me, "I know him. I know where he is also. I can get the information and prepare a shuttle to his place."
A few hours later I board what was once a Solarian fighter ship. Margie told me that after a war that was fought a few months back all warships were converted to civilian use.
Six hours and a mountain climb later, I reach my destination. I am in front a house. It is a simple dwelling with a large telescope on top of the roof. Hesitantly I walk to the front door. Slowly I bring my hand up and knock on the door.
I start to sweat as my nerves kick up. I am shaking as I wait for somebody to answer the door. My mouth is dry and I cannot think of what to say when the door is opened. After what seems to be forever the door finally opens.
The man standing before me looks at me in shock. His mouth opens and closes. "E-E-Emperor Cain!?" he blurts out.
My own eyes go wide as I say, "H-Hyuga? S-S-Son?"
*****
I sit in a chair as I try to ignore the argument. It seems Hyuga never told his wife that I was, (am?), his father. Even though they are whispering, I can still hear the words.
"Yui, it's not like that!" says Hyuga.
"Isn't it? I thought you were finished keeping such secrets from me and the rest of the world!" replies Yui.
I watch as Hyuga takes Yui's hand. "I'm sorry Yui," says Hyuga. "Please forgive me. I was never sure how people would react. I still get distrusting looks from people who know that I was once a Guardian Angel. Besides I was adopted. Do you know how people would react to that? This is the absolute last secret I will ever keep from you."
I watch as Yui's anger fade away. "Doctor Citan Uzaki, is there anything else you are keeping from me?" she asks candidly.
Citan smiles mischievously and replies, "Well I can actually cook."
Yui laughs and says, "You always knew how to end an argument."
Yui then lets go of Hyuga's hand and walks back to the kitchen.
After she is gone, Hyuga turns to me and asks, "How?"
I know what he means by 'how'. I tell him everything from the point when I woke up till I walked to his house and knocked on the door.
"You were right. You were not meant to survive this, resurrection, I suppose the word would be," says Hyuga.
"What do you mean by resurrection Hyuga?" I ask.
"You are a clone," answers Citan. "You are just one in a long line of clones. By the way I am called Citan now."
"What is a clone?" I ask in a confused voice.
Citan looks at me in surprise. "A clone," he explains, "is copy of a person down to the DNA level. While you have the Emperor's body it seems you lack his memories."
"How could I be without my original memories?" I ask.
I watch Citan think for a moment. Then he looks at me and says, "You said there is a computer at the facility were you woke up. It might be possible that Emperor Cain's memories were stored on the computer. When it was time for the next clone to awaken, the computer would download the memories. I believe that the computer was in the middle of downloading the memories when it was erased. The memories were downloaded in your mind but they did not ,integrate, I suppose would be the best word for it."
"I wonder what happened to the previous clone?" I asked.
I see Citan flinch. Then he confirms the suspicions I had at the laboratory by saying, "You, he...was murdered."
"I figured I was not meant to live," I reply.
I then take a breath and say, "Citan, I asked Taura about my past. He said that I was a monster. What kind of ruler was I?"
I look in wonder as Citan looks past me. Although he hides it well, I can tell there is a conflict raging in his mind. "Have you eaten yet?" he finally asks.
It seems to be such a strange question. I wonder what he is getting at. "Uh, no, not since this morning," I reply.
"Then we can talk about some of your past after dinner," he says. "Eat as much as you can."
*****
Of course I married her because she could cook! Do you think I am foolish?
Another memory of me and Citan talking about Yui. I laugh out loud while we are eating.
"What's so funny?" asks Citan.
"A memory. They come and go. It takes a lot of effort to remember them," I answer.
"What was the memory?" asks Citan with concern.
"I think it is around the time you and Yui got married," I answer with a smile. "You admit to me, him, you married her for her cooking."
"I actually took pity on him. He would have starved to death if I hadn't married him." replied Yui with a smile.
"So the truth is out then," said Citan laughing. "I always wondered."
I smile as I look at these two. I wonder if my, what? Ancestors? Other clones? I wonder if they ever found happiness like these two. Somehow I doubt it.
*****
After dinner Citan and I start to talk about my past and what I consider the crimes I have committed or allowed to be committed; letting people eat human flesh without their knowledge, controlling humans like puppets, millions upon millions of lives killed or ruined at my orders, letting humans be twisted inside and out for the whims of a madman, playing God and trying to resurrect a false god, and who knows what else I might have done in the ten-thousand years of existence.
After Citan finishes explaining what kind of monster I was, I feel my stomach tighten. The contents of my stomach start to push up. I run as fast as I can barely making it to the bathroom. As I finish throwing up I realize what Citan meant when he asked me if I had eaten. Dry heaves would have been worse. What he just told me would make anyone sick.
I look myself in the bathroom mirror. My face is grey as death. My body is shaking as cold sweat drenches my body. Tears are streaming down my face. I slam my fist against the mirror. The mirror shatters.
Broken mirror. A million shades of light.
A long forgotten song. But my mirror cannot reflect, for this nothing to reflect! I am nothing! And light?! What light? My own soul is darker than obsidian because of the Emperor!
I start to chuckle! Not one of happiness or pleasure, but of near madness!
Citan comes in and asks me if I am alright.
My voice cracks as I say, "Kill me. Kill me before that...monster comes back Citan!"
Citan shakes his head. "I cannot Cain. If I do that I will be killing an innocent man. What you do not realize is that he, no you tried to change near the end. You and I tried to stop the Gazel Ministry from reaching the goal. For that he paid with his life."
I only hear part of what he says. I curl up on the bathroom floor. I try to will my mind to collapse in on itself, to make it all go away. I want to die.
Gentle hands help me up. I fell like some robot as the hands guide me to a bed. Without any resistance the hands me help into the bed. "Sleep and rest Cain," says a voice. "Hopefully we can talk again tomorrow."
*****
That night I dream. Not a good dream, but a nightmare.
I am surrounded by thousands upon thousands of nameless people in a great field of bones. They look at me through hollow eyes. I know them, for they are my victims!
I turn and run. I almost get away, but two skeleton hands reach up and grab my legs. I trip and fall.
A mass of people surround me! They look at me with accusing eyes.
"You tore me from my family!" yells many.
"I was once beautiful, but you let him turn me into a hideous monster!" says another who is right in my face. This could only be a Wel that Citan mentioned.
"Monster, you let us become food! Food for other humans!," yell many more.
They mob get closer. The skeleton hands grab my hands and legs pining me to the ground. The mass is almost on top of me. "How will we kill him?" asks one.
"Turn him into a monster like me! Let him suffer!"
"Ah! I know! A pound of flesh for us feast on! For most of us have this done before! Wether as citizens of Solaris or as Wels! Yesss! A pound of flesh for every life destroyed!" says one.
"Yes! A pound of flesh for every life!" the multitude says in unsion.
Hands reach down to me. They start to claw and scrape. I feel fingers trying to pluck my eyes out!
"no! No!" I yell as long claws reach for my stomach, threatening to tear it open. "NO!"
"NO!" I yell as I sit straight up in my bed.
My heart hammers against my chest. My breathing is labored. Once again sweat pours down me soaking the bed sheets.
After a few minutes of calming down I notice I am not alone. Someone is sitting on the edge of the bed.
"Citan?" I ask.
No, not Citan.
Only Cain can kill Cain.
"You!" I exclaim. "You're the one who...who..."
"Ordered your, or should I say his, death," replies Krelian.
"So you have come to finish it. Then go ahead. It would be better this way."
Krelian shakes his head. He stands and for the first time I notice his wings. "Wha-What are you?" I ask.
"A guardian angel as it were. Or in my case a guardian angel on probation," he answers. "God may have forgiven me but I still have to atone for what I did."
I can hear the capital 'G' in God. I swallow hard. "And me?" I ask.
"I am hear to tell you some things," answers Krelian. "First off, don't even think about suicide. As you can see death is not The End. There are two ways to go afterwards. Believe me when I say I was most fortunate."
"Then what is there for me Krelian? What am I but a monster?" I reply.
"A paradox," answers Krelian. "Although you may carry the Emperor's memories, you have clean slate. There is nothing for you to feel shame. You may posses a body of Emperor Cain, but you are still your own man. What you do from here till the time you die is up to you. Don't forget that one of the Emperor's clones lasts for quite awhile. Whatever you do is up to you. I suggest you explore the world some before you do anything rash."
I look into his eyes and remember a killer. A madman whose desires were as insane as the emperor's. His eyes are now at peace. There is no madness nor hate.
"I will consider your words," I reply.
"That is all that can be asked for Cain," says Krelian.
I watch as Krelian turns and walks away. He fades away as if he was never there.
I lay back on the bed and stare at the ceiling. I have a lot to consider this night.
*****
In the morning I make my decision. After a hearty breakfast, I talk to Citan outside.
I tell him I will keep the name Cain, although I will choose a different identity later. We both agree that my identity should be kept secret. He tells me he will talk to Taura about it.
"Are you sure Cain?" asks Citan.
I shake my head and smile, "I have a lot to do Citan. I was...told that I was not the Emperor. That I am my own man with the ability to choose my own path. The whole world is open to me now. This time I don't want to ruin the chances I have."
"Then I have something for you," says Citan.
Citan goes inside and come back a few seconds later with a backpack with clothes, money, and provisions.
"How do you do it Hyuga?"
"How do you do it Citan?," I ask.
"It's a secret Emperor."
"It's a secret Cain," answers Citan with a smile.
I place the backpack on my shoulder and laugh. It feels good to laugh.
I stick out my hand and say, "Take care Citan. If you ever need me, just send out the word."
Citan takes my hand and shakes it, "You to Cain. If you need anything then you know where to find me."
I walk down to the house where the sign is. I look around and take a deep breath of fresh mountain air. I can feel the grass beneath my feet. It is something the Emperor never felt.
I realize know what Krelian was telling me. Life is important. All of it. Even one as unusual as mine. And that sometimes life(God?), gives us a second chance. And that we should take them whenever possible, as long as we don't squander it.
I then take my first step on a new journey.
*****
The Road goes ever on and on
Out from the door where it began-The Hobbit
The End (For now)
Cain will return in "A Xenogears Murder Mystery"
*****
Just two things. I just hope I got Krelian's line right when he said, "Cain can only kill Cain." I can't remember if he said Emperor Cain or not. Oh well. As written above, one journey ends as Cain's real journey has just begins. There will be two more stories (possibly three). At least in one of them, the Emperor's dark past catches up with Cain in a big way. As usual, please tell me what you thought of my story. Any constructive compliments and criticisms are always welcome.